February 15, 2014
You looked great today, standing all the way in the back row, trying so hard to hide behind that black curtain. It’s too bad that the giant mirror spans the whole studio and makes it impossible for you to escape your own reflection. But it’s not like that was what you were trying to do, right? After all, you don’t stand out that much…but maybe the issue isn’t that you stand out, but why you do.
Look at Amber in the front. Of course, she’s in the front. She’s so…perfect. Her arms are delicate, her legs are long and thin. She has what Ms. Ho calls the ballet body. You? You’re the one Ms. Ho taps with her cane, frowning at you as she says,
Smile brighter. Be skinnier. Like Amber.
Like Amber. Always like Amber. You must hate how those words feel in your mouth—sharp and heavy like they’re meant to shrink you even more. Maybe they are. Maybe shrinking is what you need so you can finally look good in that costume.
January 5, 2019
What a day, the big math test. Thank you so much for the service of helping out all your friends with the quadratic formula ten minutes before the test. You know, the friends that don’t talk to you except for ten minutes before the test. It’s so kind of you to be completely invisible at all other times until you’re needed. How thoughtful of you to make it so convenient for them! I guess you can start counting down the days until the next time they talk to you! Until the next math test.
It’s funny, really, how they only remember you when they’re stuck. When math gets too hard, or the exam is creeping up. That’s when you’re suddenly important. “Hey, Yoonseo, what’s the answer to number 14?” “Can you help me with this problem really quick?” And you always do, because what else is there? At least this way, they’re talking to you, right?
But the second the test is over, and it’s like you disappeared. The conversations fade back into jokes you’re not part of, plans you’re not invited to, and glances that skim over you to land on someone else. Someone prettier. Someone skinnier. Someone who isn’t just a calculator in human form.
You wish you were better at being…better. If you had slimmer legs or a face they couldn’t ignore, maybe they’d see you differently. Maybe they’d see you. Maybe that’s the plan! Maybe by the next test, you’ll have become pretty enough to hold the conversation even after the papers have been passed in.
And then there’s the other reason they talk to you: because you’re her friend. The placeholder. The bridge they cross to get to her. You’ve lost count of how many times a guy started a conversation with you, not because he liked you, but because he wanted to know if she was single.
What’s she like?
Do you think she’d go out with me?
Every time, it’s like a kick to the stomach.
You probably hate that you don’t feel like enough—pretty enough, thin enough, wanted enough. What’s the point of being good at math if you can’t figure out how to make them stay for longer than those ten minutes?
You want to be the first choice, not the backup plan. You want to be noticed, not just useful. But right now, all you see is someone who isn’t worth being seen. How can you make people see you better?
That’s right.
Smile brighter. Be skinnier. Like Amber.
September 7, 2022
Pros:
He asked you out.
Had two tangerines instead of one!
Cons:
Caught him staring at Amber.
He’s yours now, but why is he still always talking to her? Your weight went up by 0.3kg.
Wow, Yoonseo! What a good day today! You finally got the guy you liked for the past year to like you back. It’s not like he rejected you seven times before this and liked Amber before you. It’s okay that he’s only with you because she rejected him. It just means you’re in second place! That doesn’t sound too bad.
But let’s be honest, it probably won’t be enough. Because it’s not just about your body—it’s about her. You know, the one who he actually likes. Amber. It always comes down to her because she is everything you’re not. The one he called his “type” in that stupid game of truth or dare. She’ll always be the better one. The nicer one. The prettier one. The skinnier one.
You should do harder workouts, so you’ll be more like her.
This is the one you should keep doing on YouTube, three reps a day:
DO THIS WORKOUT TO LOSE 3KG A WEEK (FLATTER STOMACH!) FAST RESULTS.
Right now, you’re just the “nice girl” to him. You’re the placeholder, Yoonseo, the second choice. He might be using you to make Amber jealous. But at least he’s with you, right?
Right.
Remember what he said to you today?
Those jeans make you look so flat.
Why did you feel sad when he said that? Don’t you like being skinny?
Whatever. Never wear those jeans again.
Maybe it’s because you don’t look like Amber! Just be as fit as her. Why can’t you just act like her? You should know it by now. Maybe then he’ll be nice to you. You’ll lose that 3kg. You’ll do those workouts. Three reps a day. Every single day. Once at 8am, another at 2pm, and at 10pm.
**IMPORTANT REMINDER**
Stand taller. Be skinnier. Like Amber.
Today’s calorie count:
886 (Wow! Good job. Less than 1000 is always a good day. Keep it up!)
December 24, 2022
Big bodies don’t deserve happiness—at least, that’s what you tell yourself.
You probably sighed more than twenty times today, a quiet response to the severe caloric restrictions you’ve imposed on yourself. The cabin was warm, heated well by the firepit, but your malnourished, skin-to-bone body couldn’t shake the chill from the cold outside. At the dinner table, the sight of Christmas dinner made your stomach churn with nausea.
First came some artisan bread, and nibbling even a quarter of that high calorie slice felt like carrying the weight of the world’s guilt on your shoulders.
“Eat all you want!” your grandma said cheerfully, her words filled with warmth and joy.
Eat. The forbidden phrase. The command you were dreading to hear. You demanded silence from the hunger that growled so relentlessly within you. Your body pleaded for food, but you lied to yourself, insisting that it wasn’t food you needed—it was control, the starvation. It must have been hard to resist the urge to eat, but good job restricting yourself.
You’re a great actor, Yoonseo. Grandma asked you what your wish for 2023 was. You said, I just want everyone to be happy with a big smile on your face.
Do you really? Because all you do is chant:
Stand taller. Be skinnier. Like Amber.
Every. Single. Day.
Hopefully they fell for your act and didn’t notice how you just effortlessly lied through your teeth! Maybe the sound of forcing food out of your body through your mouth is actually not that loud!
Today’s calorie count:
2,546 (You actually ate way more than this, but the real number is too scary to admit)
October 10, 2023
Wow, Yoonseo, what an interesting choice of decisions you made today! Honestly, it’s kind of impressive how you managed to mess up the one thing you had to do. You had one job. But everyone’s capacities are different, right? No need to beat yourself up for being incapable of even doing one thing right. Just out of curiosity, why is it so hard for you to just get a grip?
You were too busy convincing yourself that you had found the best loophole to it all. Eat all you want, all those fries and those donuts guilt-free with the flush of the toilet. Easy, right? No consequences. All the calories were eliminated.
Oh, I must have eaten something bad.
Right, because a carton of chocolate milk, three Twix bars, and five chocolate chip cookies scream food poisoning. You know what’s louder than that? The sound of you bent over that toilet bowl retching at 2am.
Now you’re going to be faced with that sour look of concern. The awkward silence when you leave the table with the “I’m fine” because everyone knows where you’re headed. Everyone knows your dirty secret. It’s not just about food anymore, is it? It’s about them watching your every move—wondering what the hell is wrong with you.
You can’t just keep pretending that everything is fine. They’ll see through it eventually, if they haven’t already. The shame you feel, the burning in your face, the holes your eyes drill in the ground as you wait for the awkward moments to pass are definitely not signs to get help.
Sure, you stand taller, and you’re skinnier, just like Amber. But why is it not enough for you?
I guess it’s too late now. There’s only one way forward. Perfection. Let them watch your every move but make every move calculated. You have to prove that you’re still in control. Smile wider. Speak louder.
Work harder. Be better. If you can do that, maybe they’ll forget why you leave the table after dinner. Maybe then they’ll pretend not to notice your flaws.
Remember, if you can’t be perfect, you can at least look like you are! And that is what’s really important!
Today’s calorie count:
0 (It all went down the toilet.)
March 15, 2024
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, they say! Since regurgitating apples is what had you stuck at the doctor’s today, at least you can say you know that’s true!
How did it feel, sitting in the doctor’s office, legs crossed, arms folded tight across your chest like armor? The room smelled like antiseptic and fake lavender, and the chair squeaked every time you shifted. Mom sat next to you, flipping through a pamphlet she wasn’t really reading. You wish she’d stop pretending that she wasn’t humiliated.
Confusing, right?
Just last week she seemed to be so proud of her daughter when her Korean friends called you skinny. What’s this obsession that Koreans have with being so small anyway?
Now she’s supposed to act like she’s concerned about it. Didn’t she help you find ways to lose that extra belly fat? Didn’t she buy you that sketchy looking Korean vitamin that was supposed to help you lose that stubborn thigh fat?
The doctor didn’t even look surprised when you told them about throwing up. Not shocked, not scandalized—just bored. Like they’ve heard this all before. You wanted to scream at them. You’re not a case file, not some cliché they can recite statistics about. Good job holding it in though. Remember, it’s good to trick them into thinking you’re fine.
And then they said it. The iceberg thing.
“This eating disorder? It’s just the tip of the iceberg. There’s so much more beneath the surface—emotions, patterns, things you’ve buried. It’s complicated, isn’t it?”
Complicated. That word felt like a slap in the face. You stared at the motivational poster on the wall—a mountain with some cheesy tagline about perseverance—and wondered if anyone has ever climbed something as unfixable as you.
Mom was quiet on the car ride home, and you hated the way her hands tightened on the wheel every time she glanced at you. You wondered what she was thinking. Maybe she was scared. Maybe she was ashamed. You stare out the window, watching the world blur by, wishing you could be as far from yourself as the horizon was from the car.
You try to process what the doctor said. But all you can feel is the weight of their words, the sinking realization that no matter how much you perfect the surface, there’s always more hiding underneath. More secrets. More shame.
August 21, 2024
You spent the past two years chasing a vision of yourself constructed from what was made up of other peoples’ validations. You wanted to be like Amber so bad, didn’t you? Maybe you’ll never be as perfect as her—but at least you’ve done a great job in becoming someone else. I don’t know the person you are anymore.
But here’s the thing: I think you’re finally starting to.
It’s not about shrinking yourself anymore, Yoonseo—not your body, not your presence, not your voice. You’ve spent so long trying to disappear that you forgot what it feels like to take up space, to claim it, to let it be yours.
Like Amber. Always like Amber. For years, you believed Amber was everything you weren’t—perfect, effortless, weightless. But then you found out the truth. You found out Amber was struggling, too, battling the same eating disorder that consumed you. She was shrinking herself to fit into the same impossible mold you were chasing.
Now, you dance beside her, no longer looking at her as a rival, but as a partner. Ballet isn’t about perfection anymore—it’s about grace. Not in how your body moves, but in how you forgive yourself. It’s about strength. Not in how high you leap, but in how you hold each other up.
You both still have your hard days, but the studio felt different today. The mirror didn’t seem so cruel, and the black curtain no longer felt like a hiding place. Ballet isn’t about being smaller or better than someone else. It’s about sharing the music, the space, and the journey.
Amber’s shadow may never fully leave, but now, when you see her, she’s beside you, not in front of you. And for the first time, you didn’t just see her—you saw yourself, too.
Just remember:
Be happier. Smile brighter. For yourself.